WE GOT APPROVAL FOR TROY'S SURGERY! Yay us!
But since we have gotten approval, I have had 2 full blown anxiety attacks that he is going to die during the surgery.
Now, please don't give me a lecture. Anxiety attacks are not something I have asked for or want. These are something I have been having for about 4 years and they come and go, but now they are back in FULL FORCE. I am trying (with my therapist and medication) to get a handle on them, but they seem to be kicking my butt.
What am I anxious about? In the height of an attack, I am convinced that Troy will fall into the small percentage that will die during his surgery. I am convinced that something will go wrong and we will have to bury him and that I will not be able to live my life without him.
Right now I am fine, but during the attacks all reason goes out the window. Sunday was bad because I realized that his surgery was 1 month away. For some reason I thought we had longer. When I say "I thought we had longer" my mind says "he only had 1 month to live and you better enjoy him". During an attack I plan out what his funeral will be like. During an attack I am convinced that when (not if, WHEN) Troy dies I will become a crazy, bed ridden woman who has to give my other son away because I cannot handle being a mom at all.
During an attack I pray. I pray constantly. So please don't tell me that I need to give this to God. This is something I have been trying to give to God for 4 years, so telling me (yes, I've had this happen) that I am not giving this to God or trusting God enough is a slap in the face.
My therapist and I have made a plan of attack for the surgery. I will knock myself out with medication. I will sleep through the 2 1/2 hour surgery and hopefully wake up to good news.
I have 29 days left until his surgery. I know I will have many more attacks. I have medicine to knock me out when this happens, but if they happen during the day at work or at home, I cannot medicate. I am scared. I pray for help. I have weekly therapy appointments and might have to make them twice weekly now. I am scared that these next 29 days are leading up to his death.
6 comments:
that sounds really hard. :( it IS scary!!!!
i won't give you a pep talk, but i hope that talking, your medicine, prayer, and therapy will knock that anxiety to the curb!
(blessings on you)
That's so exciting that Troy has a surgery date! I wish I could just promise that everything will be fine. And it will be, but hearing that won't help. Just think... in just a few short weeks, your baby will hear!!!
Praying for your strength over the next 20 days...
that was supposed to say 29.... I typed 0 instead of 9... sorry
We are praying for Troy AND you. If you need someone to talk to, give me a call. I can always use an excuse to go grab coffee with a friend!!
Melissa
Congrats on Troy's surgery date. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Hang in there, this is the toughest part of the entire journey.
I just wanted to let you know that there are many of us out here in cyber world that will be praying for you and your family in the days that come! My little man was simultaniously implanted @ 10 months old in August. I have other friends with CI kiddos and although you don't know us, we are praying and thinking of you! I look forward to following Troy's journey! You are a strong woman, how do I know? Look how far you have come already! I KNOW you can do it! Congrats on surgery, befoe you know it, it will be activation day! Keep your eye on the prize!
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