Friday, September 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Surgery Freak Out
WE GOT APPROVAL FOR TROY'S SURGERY! Yay us!
But since we have gotten approval, I have had 2 full blown anxiety attacks that he is going to die during the surgery.
Now, please don't give me a lecture. Anxiety attacks are not something I have asked for or want. These are something I have been having for about 4 years and they come and go, but now they are back in FULL FORCE. I am trying (with my therapist and medication) to get a handle on them, but they seem to be kicking my butt.
What am I anxious about? In the height of an attack, I am convinced that Troy will fall into the small percentage that will die during his surgery. I am convinced that something will go wrong and we will have to bury him and that I will not be able to live my life without him.
Right now I am fine, but during the attacks all reason goes out the window. Sunday was bad because I realized that his surgery was 1 month away. For some reason I thought we had longer. When I say "I thought we had longer" my mind says "he only had 1 month to live and you better enjoy him". During an attack I plan out what his funeral will be like. During an attack I am convinced that when (not if, WHEN) Troy dies I will become a crazy, bed ridden woman who has to give my other son away because I cannot handle being a mom at all.
During an attack I pray. I pray constantly. So please don't tell me that I need to give this to God. This is something I have been trying to give to God for 4 years, so telling me (yes, I've had this happen) that I am not giving this to God or trusting God enough is a slap in the face.
My therapist and I have made a plan of attack for the surgery. I will knock myself out with medication. I will sleep through the 2 1/2 hour surgery and hopefully wake up to good news.
I have 29 days left until his surgery. I know I will have many more attacks. I have medicine to knock me out when this happens, but if they happen during the day at work or at home, I cannot medicate. I am scared. I pray for help. I have weekly therapy appointments and might have to make them twice weekly now. I am scared that these next 29 days are leading up to his death.
But since we have gotten approval, I have had 2 full blown anxiety attacks that he is going to die during the surgery.
Now, please don't give me a lecture. Anxiety attacks are not something I have asked for or want. These are something I have been having for about 4 years and they come and go, but now they are back in FULL FORCE. I am trying (with my therapist and medication) to get a handle on them, but they seem to be kicking my butt.
What am I anxious about? In the height of an attack, I am convinced that Troy will fall into the small percentage that will die during his surgery. I am convinced that something will go wrong and we will have to bury him and that I will not be able to live my life without him.
Right now I am fine, but during the attacks all reason goes out the window. Sunday was bad because I realized that his surgery was 1 month away. For some reason I thought we had longer. When I say "I thought we had longer" my mind says "he only had 1 month to live and you better enjoy him". During an attack I plan out what his funeral will be like. During an attack I am convinced that when (not if, WHEN) Troy dies I will become a crazy, bed ridden woman who has to give my other son away because I cannot handle being a mom at all.
During an attack I pray. I pray constantly. So please don't tell me that I need to give this to God. This is something I have been trying to give to God for 4 years, so telling me (yes, I've had this happen) that I am not giving this to God or trusting God enough is a slap in the face.
My therapist and I have made a plan of attack for the surgery. I will knock myself out with medication. I will sleep through the 2 1/2 hour surgery and hopefully wake up to good news.
I have 29 days left until his surgery. I know I will have many more attacks. I have medicine to knock me out when this happens, but if they happen during the day at work or at home, I cannot medicate. I am scared. I pray for help. I have weekly therapy appointments and might have to make them twice weekly now. I am scared that these next 29 days are leading up to his death.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Always, Sometimes, Never
I always
*want chips and cheese
*know exactly how much is in my bank account
*give my sleeping kids extra kisses on their heads before I go to bed
*like to grocery shop
*wanted a big family
*talk to God
*am thankful for my husband
I sometimes
*leave dirty diapers on our bed after I change Troy in the morining
*go out to eat, even though I know we don't have enough money
*dream about high school, never the people - always the school work
*don't look at the weather and dress my kids totally inappropriately
*admit to my Facebook addiction - but not often
*watch bad reality tv shows
I never
*stop worrying about my family
*dust
*go anywhere without my purple calendar
*stop thinking "how does my hair look"
*let my family take the Lord's name in vain without a lecture
*want to regret my life
*want chips and cheese
*know exactly how much is in my bank account
*give my sleeping kids extra kisses on their heads before I go to bed
*like to grocery shop
*wanted a big family
*talk to God
*am thankful for my husband
I sometimes
*leave dirty diapers on our bed after I change Troy in the morining
*go out to eat, even though I know we don't have enough money
*dream about high school, never the people - always the school work
*don't look at the weather and dress my kids totally inappropriately
*admit to my Facebook addiction - but not often
*watch bad reality tv shows
I never
*stop worrying about my family
*dust
*go anywhere without my purple calendar
*stop thinking "how does my hair look"
*let my family take the Lord's name in vain without a lecture
*want to regret my life
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Lousy News!
Well, I got a call from the audiologist at the E.N.T.'s office today...
Troy's information has been submitted to the insurance company, but only for 1 cochlear implant (left ear) instead of bilaterials. This is because the state of Michigan can only implant babies a 1 year if they are profoundly deaf.
Troy is severe-profoundly deaf in his right ear. This means he cannot hear anything unless it is 90 db or higher (standing right next to a jackhammer). Apparently he can get the cochlear implant on his right ear when he is 2.
Yes, this means he can still have bilateral implants, but at 2 different times. Two different surgeries, 2 recovery periods, twice as must anxiety for us...
Troy's information has been submitted to the insurance company, but only for 1 cochlear implant (left ear) instead of bilaterials. This is because the state of Michigan can only implant babies a 1 year if they are profoundly deaf.
Troy is severe-profoundly deaf in his right ear. This means he cannot hear anything unless it is 90 db or higher (standing right next to a jackhammer). Apparently he can get the cochlear implant on his right ear when he is 2.
Yes, this means he can still have bilateral implants, but at 2 different times. Two different surgeries, 2 recovery periods, twice as must anxiety for us...
Let's Catch Up! (Long post...sorry!)
What's been going on with us in the few weeks that I haven't posted, you ask? Wait, you didn't ask? Oh well...
Deck we had built
Deck Thom is building
Shelley (ME)
After getting my hair done for the reunion
Thom (DAD)
On Friday, August 14th we found out that Thom would have to be going to California for 2 weeks. This made me sad because I would miss him terribly, but also because we had just paid $110 for my 10 year reunion and I didn't know if I could go without him by my side (not too many of those people were nice to be back then). Also, we had the boys baptism coming up (more on that later) and we had just had a deck built, but Thom was adding more to it - so he had to work on that. THANKFULLY, GE decided that he could fly home on the weekend between his two weeks in Cali! So sweet!
On his way to Cali he got laid over in a few different spots and lost luggage (eventually found 48 hours later) and a whole mess. Thankfully he made it there and home in 1 handsome piece!
Deck we had built
Deck Thom is buildingShelley (ME)
The last couple weeks have been hard without Thom around. I remember when I was a single mom to a 3 year old, but playing single mom to a 7 year old and a 11 month old is hard work!! Mostly it's just been day to day stuff. I went to my 10 year high school reunion. I was really hesitant to go, but ended up (after 7 glasses of wine) having a GREAT time! Other than that I am just working away and trying to get Dean ready for school starting next week. Besides getting 2 new decks built, we have descovered a hole in our wall, which we discovered is 2 10x10 foot sections of water damage - which thankfully the insurance will cover. But we also discovered why this water damage is happening - a bad roof. That's $4000 the insurance will not cover :(
After getting my hair done for the reunionDaniella & Brady
Unfortunatley, Dani and Brady's mom has been uncooperative with allowing the kids come to visit us and working with Thom's schedule going back and forth to California. The last time we saw the kids was the first weekend in August. But we get them this weekend and we are taking all 4 kids for a surprise day trip!!!
Dean
Dean has had a great summer so far! I set up a reading program for him and whenever he hits so many pages, he gets to do something fun. So far he's read over 2000 pages! This is amazing considering that last year he had to be in a special reading program. He is getting ready for school and is going to be in 2nd grade this year with Mrs. Holmes. He is so excited! I am also really proud of him becuase he decided to get baptized this past Sunday. This was completely his choice and I didn't force him either way. At our last church they only did infant dedication, so he was dedicated when he was 2. But on Sunday he declared his love for the Lord and decided he wanted to live God's way. I was soooo proud!
Troy
A lot has happened for Troy! We are back down to only being able to feed him potatos, carrots, blueberries and pears because those are the only foods that he tested negative to being allergic to! But I have slowly added in shredded chicken and he doesn't seem to be allergic to that. Other than that, he STARTED TO WALK! We were so excited because he took his first steps only 5 minutes before daddy had to leave to fly to California!! Other than that he is doing great. We are still waiting on approval from the insurance company for his surgery. He was also baptized on Sunday. He looked so handsome in his suit! I can't believe he will turn 1 in less than 25 days!
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